Figuring It Out
Let me just say- I do not have it all figured out. I really don’t have much figured out to be honest. And it’s taken me some time to be at peace with that.
Of course I’m only in my twenties, but the reality is you will not figure life out. You will not reach a point, wherever you assume that point to be, where you will know with all certainty all the particulars and will no longer have questions. Life is a rolling plain. Parts of which you don’t see until you walk up on them.
I blame the school system. We spend more than a decade knowing basically what is coming next, when to expect huge life events; writing in pen, making a schedule, graduation. Then you get out of that system and you know nothing! It doesn’t help that veteran adults give you zero warning. They go around all honkey dory like they’ve got this thing on lock. Oh, how they’ve deceived us. (Of course this is just me being completely dramatic.)
Then there’s you- slightly hyperventilating over the fact that grad school may or may not make or break your existence. Or completely consumed about getting on your feet financially and moving out like everyone else who has graduated from college. Better yet, where are you going to college? What are you doing now that you’ve graduated? What will you do with the rest of your life? There is real pressure, man. Asking those questions assumes that you have answers. Here’s what you say, ‘We’ll see.’
So imagine myself. Focused, forward thinking, planner extraordinaire. 6 weeks out from graduation, no plans for this immediate life season, no movement in the direction of grad school in sight. Attempting to locate the will of God for this next phase of life was honestly the most intimidating part of this limbo. I had nothing but time on my hands and a blank canvas in my lap. Talk about the perfect time to hand me a brown paper bag.
Anxiety was pacing in front of my door just waiting for me. Jesus (and my mother) had to talk me down. The first 5 words of the 23rd Psalm were pillars I clung to: The Lord is my Shepherd. A shepherd leads his flock, he is charged with getting them to where they need to be. God, I had to remind myself, is at work getting me to his intended locale, even when I feel like nothing is happening (Jeremiah 1:5). Life is a series of seasons. Where things are calm and seemingly still will not always be that way. If things are tight and crazy, that will not always be. You are guaranteed this: change. You will have to adjust. You will need to reorganize. You will have to shuffle the deck. This is life, in case no one ever told you.
For my lovelies looking for that brown paper bag in nausea or anxiety, hear me. Be anxious for NOTHING, literally NO THING. We are all following Jesus as he, piece by piece, unfolds his will before us. Stroke by stroke, he is painting this masterpiece. You don’t get it all in a single download. Works of art are a collection of well placed and misplaced brush strokes. That’s how they’re made, you know. Stroke by ever precious stroke.