So you must know by now...I’m pretty interested in getting married. And that’s ok. A year ago I could not have openly admitted the first statement- I was terribly ashamed of desiring marriage so strongly. A month ago I would not have said that my desire was ok. Two years ago, I would not even be typing these thoughts to ANYONE much less the intergalactic web. I guess I have come a long way.
As I reflect on my journey, I wonder how the newly improved 13439584635224.0 version of this woman got here. Ah, yes. I remember. It was a blistery, Floridian, December day full of lousy discontentment and a shut door. Where’s my guy? God, why haven’t you given me my guy? Uh! I’m not supposed to feel this way. I’m supposed to be satisfied in Jesus. Ok, figure it out. So I’m dissatisfied but I’m not supposed to be. Even worse, the Person Who I am dissatisfied in can’t find out because He would disapprove of me terribly. So what do I do? Hide. I hide what I’m dealing with and try to figure it out on my own.
So after being constantly bowled over by discontentment, God came looking for me asking to see what I was hiding from Him. I knew what He was going to say. I just knew it. I was ready for the blows. I assumed the defensive and defeated position. When I finally opened up, He didn’t even talk about it. Never brought it up. Didn’t even touch it. We talked. But when we did, He just told me about His strength and that it was there for me whenever I needed it. He let me be and breathe. When we did talk about it, I brought it up looking for help. Help He did and here we are.
Getting here, to a place of freedom and liberty took being open. It took me being honest with God, vulnerable with Him. It took me showing Him my soft underbelly and trusting that He wouldn’t gut me for it. Two things came of that decision: I learned He could be trusted and I made progress. I believed God was short, that I could exhaust and disgust Him. I also believed, foolishly, that He didn’t already know. I underestimated the depths of His mercy and his paternal heart. The depth and realness of our relationship grew because he was proven gentle and kind.
Honesty, the ability to call a spade a spade, is crucial in moving forward. In being open with God, I was able to tell Him what I thought He was like and what I thought I would get from marriage. What I discovered was that I had made an idol out of marriage I also discovered that the imaginary/perfect man I was looking for does not exists. I’m looking for Jesus. That killed like 50+ birds with one stone. Poof goes weekly discontentment battles. My relationship with God deepened, and my desire for marriage is much more balanced now.
The fruit that has come from honest and open dealings with my Father has been so rich! In being honest with God, He released me and even pushed me to be honest with myself. To be as un-made up with my motives, intentions, and desires as was possible. We have in our minds that baring it all is too much for Him- too nasty, or yucky, or un-Christian. But that is the only way that I have been able to move forward, to actually get unstuck. It’s vital to be reading your Word so that you know God’s character and can shut the enemy down when he comes at you with a lie. Jesus took care of the sins of my lifetime. They’re covered. So when I fall short I go get what was put on layaway for me- forgiveness and empowerment. He knew I was gonna need them.